i haven't left and gone away forever. although i'm sure that's what my husband thinks since he's going on his 8th day without me around.
i'm still in austin. still grasping for some way to deal with what is about to happen with my aunt. i go back and forth on just wanting it to be over, for her to be out of pain. but then i just want her to hang on too. i want her to snap out of her morphine fog so we can find the DJ we used to know, but she's in so much pain that the drugs are necessary.
ugh, it just sucks.
on a lighter note, i didn't know we had tarantulas in austin. i've never in my almost-28 years seen a tarantula oustide of an enclosed pet cage. but apparantly my parents have, and last night mom found this one in the driveway. i made her put her shoe next to it for size comparison. the sucker was huge! i don't have arachnaphobia or anything, but this thing was scary.
i'm sitting here on the couch with mommy while she does some work and watches a movie. i just wanted to let you know that i'm having a great time here in texas, but i miss you.
i look a little pooped in this picture, but it's because i had a big day of playing with roxy, duke, and the kitty, gucci. i just love that gucci. i wonder why he doesn't really ever want to play with me? i run in circles when i see him because i get so excited. he acts like he doesn't care, but i know deep down he does.
i hope you're not too sad that mommy took me on vacation with her. we sure do miss you. but i'm happy she brought me here - i wouldn't want to be stuck in the kitchen all day while you're at work. i'm having much more fun here!
i'm about to go potty and then go to bed. i will see you soon when we come home!
but don't get your hopes up or anything b/c this isn't going to be a good post.
i do feel compelled to blog, however. and just so you know i'm drunk, i actually just typed "compelled to clog" instead of blog, but i erased it and started over. and i actually just typed erarsed too.
i spent the evening with my friend ryan who is in from london for the weekend. oh, and by the way, i'm in austin too. i left yesterday from san francisco, taking the dog and abandoning my husband for the weekend. the trip was originally planned so i could see ryan, but has also turned into a trip to spend time with my aunt (from 2 posts ago). but that's depressing so i won't talk about that.
ANYWAY, i just spent the evening with ryan and 4 gents from london. they were awesome, and i am still speaking in my british accent. after 2 beers i told one of them about my freakish obsession with the English accent, and told him that i actually read and think in british quite often. he got a kick of that and asked me to demonstrate my skills. i told him after a couple drinks more i would.
well, a couple drinks more came and i started spouting off crap as if i were actually british. they thought i was completely stupid. but they were entertained, nonetheless. one big "ah ha!" i had was to discover that the way i'm pronouncing one of my british-isms is totally wrong. i always thought that when you got in a fight with someone and said that you'd had a "row" you were supposed to pronounce it similar to SEW. but that's wrong - it's really pronounced as rhyming with NOW. what a fucking git i was. (sarah, was git at least right?)
i learned a bunch of britishisms tonight, but i have forgotten them all in my drunkenness. boo, i know. i'll remember them tomorrow and surprise you all. until then... i'm off to watch the room spin.
because i'm tired of the downer post heading my blog
here's a little something you didn't know about me. i'm a compulsive zipper-checker.
not other people's zippers. wow, that would be awkward. i imagine it would be socially damaging and career-limiting if i walked around looking at other people's crotches all day. even though there are those creepy kooks out there who do look at other people's croctches. you know who you are.
but mine. i am always checking to make sure my pants are zipped up. it's a basic instinct now when i walk out of the bathroom. i open door to exit restroom, and boom. i check it.
i don't know why i feel compelled to check it when i leave the restroom. there is definitely a better time - such as prior to leaving the stall, or prior to washing my hands. but no, by default as soon i hit the outside world upon departure from the bathroom... grab. i reach for my nether-regions and make sure i'm pulled together.
it can definitely be uncomfortable when someone catches me doing that. espcially at work. i wonder if they think i'm groping myself?
i guess it's better than walking around with that gaping whole, providing full-view to my terribly unsexy underwear. and definitely better than hearing someone revert back to 4th grade and yell "XYZ!"
things have been non-stop lately. tim & i have just been blowing and going, it seems like. we're both busy at work all day, and we just haven't had much down-time in the past month or so. my parents were here, then my aunt & her husband came to visit (more on that later), then it was labor day away in tahoe, followed by my trip to austin last weekend. it's just busy all the time it seems. it has made me tired.
yesterday i realized i had evening without commitments, and i got very excited and relieved at the same time. i really needed some time to veg, so i mentally made a date for the night with my netflix and the couch. when i got home, i heated up some leftovers and settled in to watch the movie ("Dear Frankie" - a cute Irish film that I recommend). of course i was alone because tim disappears to study every single night when he gets home from work. he'll emerge every now and then to kiss me on the forehead, then retreats back to studying. it's getting lonely, i must say.
at the end of the movie i found myself sitting in the dark, quiet room alone, and i started to think about what i had been avoiding for a long time - my aunt (from above) who is losing a battle with cancer. out of the blue i was overcome with extreme sadness and i just started to cry. her health is deteriorating rapidly, and i can't seem to escape the feeling of sadness that is accompanying me wherever i go.
she came out here last month for a getaway when the doctors told her there was nothing else they could do. she & her husband made our house in San Francisco "home base" and took side trips to Yosemite, Monterey Bay, and Santa Cruz. while exhausting i think they enjoyed the trip for the most part. they saw new places, and escaped the texas heat. it was bittersweet for me to spend time with them. on one hand it was nice quality time with them that i don't get very often due to the distance of our lives. but on the other hand it was difficult because it seemed to be that we were saying "goodbye." i didn't write about it then because it was too hard. hard to talk about, and also hard to accept and believe because, aside from shortness of breath, she seemed healthy.
but last weekend when i went to Austin, i made a trip over to her house with my mom. it's amazing what a difference a couple of weeks had made. she only weighed 92 lbs and could barely get off the couch. it was crushing to see a woman who is normally so strong, so vivacious, and so full of life... so opposite of that. she has always lived her life on the go, always doing something to help the earth, earth's creatures, and her fellow man. now she is exhausted and in pain, zapped of all the energy she is used to having. the frustration brings her to tears frequently.
it was this image of her that came into my thoughts again last night when the tears came. they came on so suddenly, and wouldn't subside. i felt such extreme sadness for what is to come. such sadness for her, and for her husband, and for all the lives she has touched. such sadness for my mom, and how this is such a hard a time for her. i know she wants to be there for her little sister, but it is so emotionally draining and heartbreaking to witness her health deteriorating. our whole family is facing the difficulty of not wanting to see her suffer or get worse, but we all want to take advantage of being able to spend as much time with her as possible.
i believe the world is a better place with her in it. she offers a fresh and different perspective on life. she appreciates the extraordinary in the ordinary, takes nothing for granted. perhaps it is the cancer that has caused an increased zeal for life, but i believe she probably had that in her all along. since she started the cancer roller coaster, she has journaled via email and shared her experiences and emotions with her friends & family. she speaks and writes so articulately and eloquently, i could only dream of expressing my feelings the way she can. for a year or two i took the emails for granted, believing they would continue to come forever. for the past couple of months, the emails have not come, and i crave to read her perfectly put together thoughts. i'm not sure we will get another one.
i guess now i will just pray, and cry when i need to cry.
wow, boys. you seriously let me down this past weekend.
i know, i know. it was a big game. BIG. the biggest of the season! up against #1 ohio state. but come on guys, you were #2! you should have at least showed up to play the game a little bit.
and to think of the effort that went into all that partying leading up to the big game: the catered party at our house on friday night, the tailgating on saturday, the endless sea of orange pouring into the stadium on game day. i even cheered my heart out as i watched the game-opening animation on the jumbotron of all jumbrotrons at darrell k. royal memorial stadium. that is my favorite part of the game, and a big reason of why i even come to austin to see the games at all. clearly the forces of earl campbell and ricky williams did not get zapped into you as you ran out onto the field.
all that effort... all for nothing. i will admit that i quit cheering my heart out around half time, when i retreated to the back of the suite to chat with my mom and the girls. i just couldn't bring myself to watch you get crushed.
boo to you, longhorns. boo. to. you.
your fickle fan, beebers
p.s. thank you for the celebrity sighting saturday evening, though. mr. quentin tarantino was about 1/2" in front of the me in the elevator heading down after the game. he was a sweaty mess, but i still called to my brother-in-law in the front of the elevator, pointing and mouthing with too much enthusiasm ""quent-tin tar-ran-tEEEEEE-noh!" leave it to a celebrity sighting to get my spirits up again. i didn't have the balls or the sober capacity to ask him for a picture, so instead i captured this as we exited the stadium... him leaving with 2 hussies. come on TJ, vouch for me here.
normally after a weekend getaway i post a "boo, i'm so sad that i'm not still in ______" diatribe. and i am actually sad that i'm not still in tahoe. last weekend was killer: we relaxed on the beach, went out on the lake, drank a lot, hiked a ski resort mountain (yeah, you heard me right. i exercised!)... it was awesome. here's my matching photo to ethel's. but i'm not going to write the "boo i wish i was still in tahoe" speech because i'm not too super sad, seeing as i have something else to look forward to. i'm leaving today for austin! just a little weekend getaway, primarily revolving around the TX vs. Ohio State game. hook 'em horns! i love going back for football games. our family has a stadium suite so every game i get to spend quality time with my family, as well as frequent the open bar overflowing with alcohol from pre-game to post-game. i'll also get to see all my best girlfriends tomorrow night at a party my parents are throwing to kick off the weekend's festivities. i cannot wait!
but as always the biggest thrill i get out of going to austin is seeing my adorable nugget of a niece. seeing her smile melts my heart. but hearing her get fussy melts my courage and i hand her back to her momma! hasta la vista. HOOK 'EM HORNS!
"yes, suri (sir-ee), that's their baby!" was what the newsanchor said this morning when they announceed that tom & katie will grace us with the presence of pictures of their spawn in this month's Vanity Fair.
i was sitting at my vanity this morning with my back turned to the tv when i heard the "news." they briefly showed a picture on the news, and i glanced at the reflection of the tv in the mirror in front of me, but i couldn't make out very much because i get all confused when i'm looking at reflections of things in mirrors. maybe that explains my less than par driving skills.
i don't want to see her. at least i'm telling myself i don't want to see her. i'm trying to boycott tom & katie because i still can't believe they are together or that they procreated. they are kind of like a bad car accident that you don't want to look at, but you can't tear your eyes from.
so for now i'm holding out and holding my ground. i will not look at pictures of suri. at least until next week when i get my UsWeekly in the mail and they have pictures splattered all over the pages. then i guess i'll be forced to look, because i read my UsWeeklys cover to cover. after all, i believe in quality educational reading material.
----------------------------------------- UPDATE - sarah ruined it for me. Here.
