leo goes to vet, beebers goes to wine fridge

leo has to go to the vet tomorrow morning. he's been scratching the hell out of his chin and chewing on his feet. i know that this means allergies, which is why i give him a children's chewable benedryl everyday. oh, and i know it's allergies b/c my mom said so. the receptionist at the vet told me he has fleas. dumb broad, i know it's not fleas. i would see them. but whatever, i still look forward to going in tomorrow and having them confirm that he has allergies, and not fleas.

and more importantly, i have a hall pass to go to work late tomorrow due to the vet appt. that translates into my third glass of chardonnay tonight! i love evenings like these - especially on a school night. hope y'all are having just as good a wine time.

better than "you were a mistake"

once again i'm miserable at work and trying to figure out how to get out of my job. my husband is being an angel and telling me that i should take some time off for a while - maybe until january. i love this idea! and i'm pleasantly suprised that he suggested it, and not me.

but this doesn't solve my problem, because in january i would have to make a move to do something. and i'm just plain sick of working. yep, 26 (almost 27) and done with my career.

so i say to him, then what do i do? have a baby??? nah, i don't really want kids yet anyway. i just don't know what else to do so that's my backup plan.

and he says: what would we tell the kid? "we had you because mommy didn't want to work anymore"?

hey, like i said - it's better than "you were a mistake."

gotta love Texans

these boys were prepared. they didn't turn a blind eye to the devastation of katrina. they learned something, and in turn took action.

okay wait this is hilarious too

craigslist part 2 (part 2 of only 2... i promise not to just re-post craigslist funnies) this is priceless. and also from Austin - clearly a college town.

also via Best of Craigslist

To the waitress that I disgraced - 27

Listen, you know who you are if you're reading this. I don't usually throw up on pool tables. Or in the corner where nobody's looking. Or on good people like yourself. My friend insisted I do one more tequila shot with him, which turned into 6 more. I had just eaten a plate of spaghetti, which I knew was a mistake at about the 4th shot. I'm pretty sure you're right about that stain not coming out of you shirt, but if you let me, I'd love to buy you a new one, and maybe dinner. I promise I won't throw it up on you this time. Oh and my friend didn't call you a horrid bitch. He said you look a lot like his sister, who he called a horrid bitch since she just wrecked his 87 Pulsar. He loved that car. As I'm sure you felt the same about your shirt. You understand no doubt.

this guy has the sense of humor i need today

i love craigslist, primarily to sell the crap sitting around the house that i don't want anymore. (this "crap" is aside from the crap of my husband's that i sell on amazon.com.) but i love craigslist for more than that. it offers comic relief when you least expect it. like this post from "the best of..." what a guy! i love that he's from Austin. and i love that i'm married and not living in Austin in the midst of that dating pool.

Updating post with link - blog was too long
Craig’s List Top 10 M4W Personal Ads - 24

lb musings

so i guess i will continue with my laguna rant since tinapopo isn't showing up for work and doing her job - which is updating us all on laguna beach.

can't give a play by play, and i didn't take notes. but here are the main takeaways:

1) i'm not a huge fan of brown alex, but i really hate casey. so i love that they are on the outs. it's pretty hilarious that casey told people about alex's "hygiene problems" a.k.a. stanky coochie. and what's funnier is that when she was defending herself to alex she said "i just repeated what i heard!" wow. that's not the thing to say to try and save a friendship/your own ass!

2) how cute was talan's dinner that he cooked for kristin?!?! seriously, the shrimp in the martini glasses? i don't even like shrimp but if someone did that for me, i would so eat it up! (scratch that - i can just see my husband going and doing that and saying i said it was the most romantic thing ever, and then getting mad when i won't touch it.) and kristin was so not into poor talan either. i wonder what all was said over the course of the dinner though. because they edited out everything but:

Talan: So what are you doing this weekend?
Kristin: Nothing.
Talan: You're totally thinking of Stephen right now aren't you?
Kristin: No, I'm not. I don't want a boyfriend. (how many times have we heard that?)

3) i cannot believe i did not know that kristin was going to be in san francisco this past summer! i sooooo would have stalked her and made her my new best friend! then maybe she would have taken me back to laguna and i could have hung out with the gang. it wouldn't be at all weird that i'm 26. not a bit.
anyway, kristin should not have visited stephen. he totally thought he was getting a piece of ass, and she didn't give. at least not that we saw. of all people i thought kristin would have at least hooked up for old time's sake, but alas, she kept her legs locked. who is she holding out for? it's not talan!

4) lastly, and i've thought about this several times in the past, but seriously - where are their parents? where were talan's parents when he was slaving in the kitchen for kristin? and back it up to when jessica had that romantic valentine's evening at home with jason? gosh, i'm totally aging myself by saying these things. oh well.

so that's my lame-o commentary on laguna beach. next week looks super promising as kristin hooks up with jessica's new crush. poor jess finally moves on, and leave it to kristin to swoop in and take him from her. tsk, tsk. i can't wait!

oh, and i had to literally tear myself away from "my super sweet sixteen". i love the show! but it was just too late, and actually last night's girl looked pretty bad - don't know if i could've handled her attitude. i liked it when the show used to feature good little rich girls - like the duo who had a double sweet sixteen at the hard rock in la jolla - not these nouveau riche bitches.

late (10:22pm?) ramblings

so i'm sitting here watching laguna beach. i'm totally excited because kristin is in san francisco! she just got there and is meeting stephen right now. i love to watch movies when they're in san francisco b/c i love picking out scenery that i recognize. wonder where they'll go... oh there we go - they go to china town. of course, because that's what the locals do. oh, and the trolley car. geez.

whatever, i'm not trying to recap laguna because tinapopo does a much better job, and i'd rather wait and read her entertaining rendition tomorrow than attempt my own. the real reason i'm writing is because the trailer for "Elizabethtown" just came on. i really want to see that flick, but did anyone else notice that kirstin dunst has a mullet??? and vampire teeth too.

oh gosh, kristin just totally ditched stephen in a perfect fireworks kissing moment! poor guy. i can vouch for the fact that it was truly freezing that night. we went up the hill that night spur-of-the-moment to catch the fireworks, and i had on a fleece jacket, hat, gloves, everything. and it was in july. ridiculous.

night, night kids. manana.

only in san francisco

when i was growing up, i saw a lot of weird stuff in austin. austin has a lot of people who wear dorky "Keep Austin Weird" tshirts and bumber stickers on their cars. it wasn't too odd to see a tranny dressed in a ladies' corset and high heels, pushing a grocery cart down the street. i always said "only in austin..." until i moved out to san francisco. i find myself saying "only in san franciso..." a whole lot more.

riding through the city today, i saw a man walking down the street. he wore only a leather vest, leather chaps, and flap covering his penile area. he must have adjusted himself to the right, because every time he took a step forward with his left leg, his penis poked out of the right side of his chaps. right, left (penis), right, left (penis)... there was a rythym. it was so foul and disgusting, yet i couldn't look away. i actually shrieked with sickened delight!

he was headed to the folsom street fair. ah, the folsom street fair. what would we do without the "Grand Daddy of All Leather Events"? what would we do without being able to see gay men having S&M sex in an alley in the middle of a sunday? thank you, san francisco, for offering every imaginable sort of freakshow to the people of this city.

i'm entirely too busy these days. and honestly, they don't pay me enough to be this busy at work. and i won't even go into how i'm having to do other's people's jobs because they don't know what the fuck they're doing. and in order for me to get my job done, i'm waiting on something from them. so either i'm doing it for them or i'm spending a shitload of time trying to explain to their tiny little brains just what it is that they get paid to do.

i don't have time for anything. i don't have time to finish all my work. i don't have time to blog. i don't have time to play with my dog or relax with my husband. i don't have time to read tinapopo's list of 100 things. i don't have time to tell everyone around here to shove it up their asses. i'm just that busy.

and i'm about to pass out i have cramps so badly. thank God it's fucking friday.

mmmm mmmm, i love me a good makeover.

i could flip through a million of these a day and not get bored. i love seeing transformations of frumpy, dumpy people into better, younger-looking, slightly glamorized versions of their former selves. i wonder if they ever keep up the looks they're given? i certainly hope so, for their sakes.

Top 10 Most Shocking Makeovers from "What Not to Wear"

which one will i use next?

if only i'd known about these excuses when i made up the whole bad-chicken-diarrhea-throwing-up-all-night story to go to dave matthews a couple of weeks ago.

i think my favorite is "i forgot to come back to work after lunch." did you have a bottle of vodka at lunch? because then, okay. i would forgot more than just to go back to work.

From MSN Careers "20 Best Excuses for Calling in Sick"

... But could you get away with saying you had to go to your mother's dog's funeral or that you had brain cancer? Would you believe an employee who had the swine flu, forgot the way to work, or was arrested because of mistaken identity? Think carefully, if you're debating calling in sick, here are some of the most unusual excuses workers gave for missing work.

I was sprayed by a skunk.

I tripped over my dog and was knocked unconscious.

My bus broke down and was held up by robbers.

I was arrested as a result of mistaken identity.

I forgot to come back to work after lunch.

I couldn't find my shoes.

I hurt myself bowling.

I was spit on by a venomous snake.

I totaled my wife's jeep in a collision with a cow.

A hitman was looking for me.

My curlers burned my hair and I had to go to the hairdresser.

I eloped.

My brain went to sleep and I couldn't wake it up.

My cat unplugged my alarm clock.

I had to be there for my husband's grand jury trial.

I had to ship my grandmother's bones to India.

I forgot what day of the week it was.

Someone slipped drugs in my drink last night.

A tree fell on my car.

My monkey died.

i liked this movie

so i took the quiz.

and i'm not one bit surprised by my answer.


Which Incredibles Character Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

i love that i'm snarky. what does that mean anyway? let's find out:

snark·y (snärk*e)
adj. Slang snark·i·er, snark·i·est
Irritable or short-tempered; irascible.

well isn't that just perfect? actually i am snarky right now. thank you, PMS. snark this.

holy bajeezus!

so my sister is preggers, about 4 months along now. that would be = 17 weeks. i don't know the milestones of baby birthing in weeks though. it's like asking me how many meters it is from here to the airport. i talk in miles. and months for baby birthing.

anyway, so she has been dying to decorate a nursery since she found out she was pregnant. but i guess the doctor's can't officially determine the sex until 16 or 17 weeks or something. so she takes this gender test where you send in your blood, they look at your DNA and tell you the sex of your baby. with almost 100% accuracy. low and behold, it's a boy. um, i mean, it's a boy!! we're supposed to be excited - no boys in the family though. i will admit Mom and i were slightly disappointed, but we got used to it.

another of her friends who is also preggers took the DNA test and she was having a boy too. a friend of mine out here in SF who is pregnant took the test, and she was having a boy. there's a total pattern here.

my friend out here reached her 17 weeks about a month ago, had her ultrasound and the doctor is 100% positive she is carrying a little girl. my sister's friend in austin had her ultrasound and she is carrying a little girl too. yes, the pattern is consistent... my sister had her ultrasound yesterday and she's having a GIRL! so much for all those baby boy clothes we bought when she visited labor day weekend.

the company that provides the tests guarantees results, or double your money back. i'm questioning whether or not they'll be around by the time my sister has her baby in order to provide a birth certificate! but needless to say, i'm much more excited about buying clothes for my neice than i would have been for little boys. sorry, but the boy fashions just aren't as cute.

Tim the Toolman!

today i declare my husband "#1 husband in the world." at least for today.

this weekend had a huge "honey do" list. top of the list: get the doggie door installed for leo, and build him a poop box on the back patio. for those of you that think this is weird, it's san francisco - nobody has backyards, only patios (or "gardens" as the realtors like to call them - guess it sounds better). so we had to build a little place for leo to potty while we're gone during the day.

we got the dog door installed yesterday, and then had to teach leo how to use it. we have one smart dog! 1/2 of a slice of kraft american cheese, and he was going through the door on his own last night! he still takes prompting, be he's totally gotten the hang of it.

and tim got the supplies yesterday for the grass box and had that puppy built in like 20 minutes! only problem was we couldn't find any sod. we tried mulch in there, but leo thought it was a place to play, not do his duties/doodies. so we had to wait until today to get sod.

and he hasn't taken his first potty in the box yet. but we're not taking him to the park either, so we're currently in a stand-off game with the dog. we're hoping for a pee soon.

here are pics of leo going through the doggie door, and sitting in his new potty pad. obviously he thinks it's a place to model, and not go to the bathroom.

spelling bee champ

hello you handful of readers out there.

it has come to my attention that many of you are calling me "beepers" when in fact the correct spelling is "beebers", with a b in the middle. i am a stickler for spelling, let me tell you.

no, beebers is not a real word. but i much prefer to go by a made-up name, than by a word that is now most commonly used in reference to drug dealers. i have left that part of my life behind people!

cheers, big ears! it's cocktail time!

fuuuuuudgecake

killer headache going on here. guess i was drunk last night, and not just tootie.

fudgecake is what my mom says instead of saying fuck. it really makes me laugh sometimes. like right now. i'll use it in a sentence: "oh fudgecake! i just broke a nail!" that's generally her use for it, as she's always breaking her nails. or she'll use it when she's driving and some cocksucker cuts her off. then she'll refrain from using the unacceptable word fuck, but goes right ahead with the permissible cocksucker.

on another note, check out the brilliant things some of our favorite celebs have said. my favorite is by the blond that dropped a bomb on the world wednesday by reproducing: "I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada." thanks britney. you could have gotten away with that, had you been reared in africa or something. but we all know you were reared in the trailer park of kentwood, la.

i can't even name this one. yep, too much wine.

okay so i know i haven't been very entertaining over the past few days (or ever, as it may be). but i've been too fucking stressed out to blog. and that's pathetic when i pretty much plan my day around reading your blogs and posting my own.

anyway, it's been a pretty shitty week thus far, and it's pretty much just come to a head. yes, i'm "tootie blogging"... not near as funny as drunk blogging - by about one glass of red wine.

went over to my best friend's for dinner where they confirmed that, yes, they are in fact leaving the city by the bay for a lovelier and sunnier (and warmer) place. a) i'm jealous b/c she'll be in orange county where she can hang out with kristen and jason and alex m. no, i'm not jealous about alex m. actually. or pube-faced jason. but b) i'll miss my best friend. this totally sucks.

on the ride home from dinner, every sappy song that came on the radio - and there were only 2 songs that played the whole 6 minute ride home... and yes, they were both sappy - made me sad. how junior high classic they were, though. the thought that you are parting with someone you've spent so much time with over the past few years (sans boys... hello, i said junior high). it just sucks. i so miss leaving the 8th grade.

don't worry, you beebers blog suckers, i'll post an "arrivederci megan" in the near future. or hopefully not too near future... maybe i have a couple of months left?

signing off and passing out... ciao.

rock out man

i'm too fucking stressed at work and tired to come up with anything on my own today. so i'm just reading all ya'lls blogs. of course i cannot resist the internet quiz! i'd take them all day if possible. it's super important to know what movie you are, what traffic sign you are, what kind of criminal you are...

thank lipsticklulu for this one.

You Are an Emo Rocker!

Expressive and deep, lyrics are really your thing. That doesn't mean you don't rock out... You just rock out with meaning. For you, rock is more about connecting than grandstanding.

What Kind of Rocker Are You?

loco en la cabeza

Your Daddy Is Dennis Rodman

What You Call Him: Papito Why You Love Him: Because he's your baby daddy

Who's Yo Daddy?

ah! the terror! i can't decide how i like my papito best: in a wedding dress and blonde wig, or old school leopard spots dyed into his hair for a Bulls game.

thanks to Rit for the site. but now i'm going to be disturbed for the rest of the day. **shudder**

incognito bloggin

it's been hard blogging at work lately. partly because i've been so busy and i have to actually do work. i hate that. but also because it's totally obvious when people walk by and i quickly do the (Ctrl + Tab) move that flips to the next application to get blogger off my screen. usually it lands me in Outlook or Excel, but sometimes i screw up and it's my personal email or internet shopping. and sometimes i'm not so quick at the draw and various assholes don't mind calling me out: "i saw that! internet surfin' and not workin'." grrr. you idiots like to make things rhyme all the time? oh shit, i just did it. rhyme - time. anyways.

i am so fucking clever that i've discovered how to blog undercover. at this very moment i am actually typing this up in Notepad. i will then be able to slyly and quickly paste this into a new post and publish before anyone is the wiser. because i'm smart like that. watch out cube stalkers!

oblivious to the swingin'

so yesterday i was reading 7X7 magazine, which is a San Francisco magazine that targets a clientele that is young, hip, and has money. (i'm 2 out of those 3... don't you wish you knew which 2?)

anyway, so i'm reading the magazine and it's "the sex issue." i flip to this article that is called "The Sex Files" which promises to unlock SF's secrets and give me the scoop on all things sex in my city. great.

skimming... boring... nothing... turn the page and this enlarged quote in bold catches my eye: "Poly is the new bi. In the hip young crowd, everyone and their brother is poly." intriguing. i don't want to be left out, and i'm hip & young (damn, i gave it away!). i don't know what this poly is, but i'm going to find out!

so i read bits & pieces of the long article, and here are my top 3 eye-opening findings:

1) san francisco has dozens of public and private swinging clubs, including one called the Power Exchange. i know what's being exchanged there.

2) so swinging is just couples who have recreational sex - duh. but polyamory, my friends, takes swinging a step further and allows the participants to form emotional commitments with more than their committed partner.
sorry, but it sounds like a woman decided on this caveat. we need emotional connections - dudes don't. they'll screw anything that's not moving.

3) a local sex coach (is that like barbara streisand in "Meet the Fockers"?) organizes the Critical Tits after-party at Burning Man every year where 1200 women show up to have male volunteers tend to them in a variety of ways. the variety means it could be breast painting, sensual massage, active listening... or active pounding up the ass.
and apparently young, hip, newlywed gals like me attend. and young, hip, new mommies. that's sicking me out.

very weird, this polyamory thing. but i shouldn't be too surprised. i, myself, have been solicited to swing. i went to pick up my husband's (then boyfriend) glasses from the eyeglass shop and the guy working there told me "if you two are ever interested...." i said "i'll be sure to let him know." i can't even walk past that shop anymore and it's been like 3 years. he's still there though, and judging by how hot tim & i are, he'd jump at the chance again, i'm 100% positive. yes, i'm that full of myself. and so is tim.

my husband, the comedian

watch out jerry seinfeld, you have some competition coming from none other than chief teeny britches.

one of my best friends is moving to london this weekend.

tim says:

Should we have him over for dinner some time this week before he buds like a
tree....and leaves.

i actually think it's supposed to be "makes like a tree" but whatever. good attempt babe.

elvis and wife have left the building

i feel like mccauley culkin in home alone. my parents just left this morning, and tim and i are finally on our own. at any moment we could just start running around the house screaming like crazy. tonight we'll totally be on the couch watching dirty movies and eating ice cream sundaes for dinner. and this is true - we have no food in the house anymore.

my mom has been staying with us since June 30th. my dad has come in and out of town since then and stayed for several days at a time. no complaining here - it's a big house. and after all, they own it and let us live there. so we "let" them come stay whenever they want. my mom turned it into her summer vacation home, escaping the texas heat for a cooler climate.

i could be all sarcastic and funny and talk about how bad it was. (is that self-centered to say that i could be funny?) but the truth is, it was actually great. we got to spend tons of time with my parents, something i haven't been able to do since i moved to san francisco 5 years ago. i can't just pop on out to their house any time i want anymore. so it was awesome to be able to come home and have dinner with them, drink wine and chat, spend the weekends running errands together, etc. mom kept the house spotless and the fridge & wine rack stocked!

it was a very fun summer and i'm grateful to have had the opportunity to spend it with my parents. they left this morning, on the road now to texas. they've got an SUV full of crap and their 2 dogs - poor little Leo is all alone now. something tells me he won't mind king of the house.

safe travels mom & dad - see you in october when we come home!

how about them longhorns!!!

i am elated over the win my precious horns pulled off over the Ohio State Buckeyes this evening. what a great game... a nail biter until the end!

and an added bonus: i got a hell of a workout tonight jumping up and down in excitement in my own living room. the plasma kicked ass too. thanks timmy.

hook 'em horns!!

this is for gangmaster jones

by the way, working in MS Paint sucks! haven't done that since like 5th grade.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

here she is

seriously! look at her! she's looking mighty fine, except for that blonde Annie do she has going on. a little too cotton-candy old lady, you think?

i am sofa king we todd did

i am just a total nincompoop today.

i'll be in the middle of doing something at work, go to look for a file or piece of paper, then when i get there i have completely forgotten what i was looking for. but then when i go back to the task, i forget what i was doing. this has been happening all day.

i went to the fridge to grab my lunch and i opened it up and couldn't find my sandwich. i thought to myself "somebody stole my fucking sandwich! bastards!" but then i saw my leftovers and remembered i hadn't brought a sandwich today.

then i just went downstairs to the little store for some snacks and saw Britney on the cover of Elle looking all glamorous and beautiful. and i thought "wow, she's really cleaned up. she is looking fantastic & classy." but duh, who am i kidding.

smells like teen spirit - or gas

so i'm at the gym this morning, putting in my time on the treadmill at 5:30am. so not fun, but whatever. i've got my ipod going, got my UsWeekly in front of me, and i'm chugging along.

a girl gets on the treadmill next to me. she stretches, gets her headphones on, then she's off running.

so i'm walking and reading trash on how jennifer & vince are "totally on!" now. a few minutes go by, and all of a sudden i get a nasty whiff of this stinky stinky fart. i think ewww, that was gross. and i know it's the girl next to me because i'm on the very end of the row of treadmills and no one else is around me.

ugh, i think. gross! (a little too napoleon-ish). but i don't really get too upset because okay, okay - i've had gas before at the gym and i've accidentally let one out. and i was such a weasel when i did it. i sort of glanced at the treadmills around me with a disgusted look on my face like "eww, who was that??!"

so whatever, i'll let it slide. but then the girl keeps doing it! now, i'm the treadmill for almost an hour. and she had to have farted at least 6 times. and i knew when she was about to do it too because she'd stop running and take a drink, or adjust her pants, or change the song on her iPod. but i know she was just stopping in attempt to squeeze it back in. but sure enough, 5 seconds later i'd get the stench. it was just gross, invasion of my personal space.

so don't fart at the gym people. especially if you have constant, stinky gas. sit this one out. please.

new girl still making me laugh and wonder who is in charge around here

quick update on the new girl at work.

my friend lindsay has been suckered into the job of being her "buddy" at work and helping her ease into her job without any pressure, responsibility, accountability for herself, etc.

today's instance:

everytime i have a meeting with the new girl, there is always something new....today i went and got her and told her that it wouldnt take very long and she is like "good, cause i really need to have some time for lunch"...i dont see where they find these people.

me either. i mean, who says that? and it's not like she's busy or anything and had to work through lunch. she doesn't have anything to do yet! i think i'll tell lindsay about the punching-in-the-ovaries suggestion.

i have gone overboard with my pet

if only i had a picture, this would be so much funnier.

so a couple of months ago we aquired our little toy poodle Leo, formerly called "Leon!" with a very thick french accent. tim and i couldn't handle having to say "Leon!" all the time, so his name got shortened to Leo. but he's just the cutest little thing, and i tend to call him "pumpkin" the majority of the time. yes, i know we're probably severely messing this dog up with the changing of the names. he's 3 too, not a puppy who doesn't know better yet. he knows we're screwing with him.

so i'm shopping for baby clothes with my sister this weekend and find the cutest little onesie for Halloween that is solid orange with long sleeves and says "Mommy's Little Pumpkin" on it. since i'm sick and twisted i decide to buy it - for my dog.

we get home and oh-what-fun i can't wait to put it on him! i call him over and he knows something bad is about to happen because he mopes over very slowly. i get it over his head and get his arms in the sleeves and i'm just dying giggling the whole time. he seems less than pleased with me.

alas - he's in the infant outfit! and damn, he looks cute! i set him down on the floor and he won't even move. he's just standing there, completely embarrassed and stiff like i'd put him in a body cast. of course we're all sitting around laughing and he's just crushed i can tell. so i give in, take it off of him and decide to return the outfit.

so there's a lesson in this for all of you who got bored from my story - wash all new clothes before you wear them, especially from places like Old Navy. because you never know what sick people out there have bought things and put them on their dog and then decided to return them.

Tag

Tagged by TinaPoPo

10 Years Ago: I was living in Austin, TX and had just started my senior year at B.H.S. - Go Dawgs. On this day 10 years ago, I probably rolled into school around 10:00 since I didn't have a first period, probably grabbed a tasty lunch somewhere cool and off-campus, like Taco Bell, diligently went to my classes, then cruised over to the gym for 2 hours of cheerleading practice. I was probably a little more fit, a little leaner than I am now!

5 Years Ago: I had just moved to San Francisco, CA after graduating college and backpacking Europe with my girlfriends for 6 weeks. I just entered the shocking real world of working for a living, and had my first job as a Consultant with Arthur Andersen. I had no idea what I was doing. I was still with my boyfriend from college, and since we'd done long-distance all through college and were just now living in the same town, we were finding it quite difficult to get along.

1 Year Ago: I was about to get married (not to above college boyfriend, but a new one I found lying around San Francisco). I was completely busy with wedding stuff. Going back & forth between Austin & San Francisco for wedding showers, dress fittings, about to have my bachelorette party, etc. I couldn't concentrate on work, couldn't concentrate on anything that wasn't "all about me!" Tim says I'm still like this....

Yesterday: Rode with my mom to take my sister & brother-in-law to the airport so they could return to Austin after visiting us for the Labor Day weekend. We then went downtown so my mom could get some new New Balance. Did some straightening up around the house, went to Safeway, tried for 15 minutes to figure out how to DVR Laguna Beach and ended up just watching it instead. Cuddled with my dog.

5 Snacks I Enjoy: Chips & Queso, Hershey's Kisses, Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia, Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Minis, and cheese. Wow, I'm a fatty-fatty-two-by-four, can't get through the kitchen door.

5 Songs I Know All The Words To:
"Since U Been Gone" (Kelly Clarkson - obsessed with lately)
"Kiss Off" (Violent Femmes)
"Signed, Sealed, Delivered" (Stevie Wonder - first dance at my wedding)
"Under Pressure" (Queen - and consequently the same music to "Ice, Ice, Baby" which I also know, TinaPoPo!)
"Dreamgirl" (DMB - obsessed with lately too)

5 Things I Would Do With $100 Million: Buy a house in San Francisco, buy a house in Orange County, buy a house in Austin, buy a plane to jet between the three, and invest the rest to earn interest to pay for the jet fuel

5 Places I Would Run Away To: London, Cayman Islands, Florence, Greece, San Sebastian

5 Things I Would Never Wear: Dreadlocks, jean shorts, leg warmers, Uggs, a peek-a-boo bra (Okay, I'd never wear one again!)

5 Favorite TV Shows: Laguna Beach, Alias, The Office (British version), My Super Sweet Sixteen, Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (I love any makeovers! Except like on Montel & such.)

5 Biggest Joys: Relaxing and drinking good wine, cooking a great dinner, hanging out with my family on the patio, watching tv on the couch with Tim, playing with my dog(s)

5 Favorite Toys: my iPod, my new Gucci, all the new clothes I bought this weekend, my blog, my email

5 People I Tag: Gangmaster Jones, Totempolezoe, RitMyer, Tex-Ass, & Prego Staci - better get bloggin people!

call betty ford

what i did on friday night was completely ridiculous. so ridiculous that it's taken me until monday to be able to write about it.

so it was friday night and i was ready to party. it was tim's best friend's last night in town before going to shanghai for 3 months, so we were going out on the town to send him off in style. we had some people over to our house before-hand, many of whom i didn't know. but whatever, the drinks were flowing, i'm welcoming people into my home, and soon enough we have 6 cabs outside and we're piling in to head off to Impala.

just a little tooty when we get to the club. not too crowded yet, things are looking good. we get shown into a VIP area of the floor, which has a coffee table and a u-shaped bench around it, and is just two steps off the regular floor (this will be a key piece of info in my story). we have bottle service so there's just this huge bottle of vodka and any kind of mixer you could want just sitting there smiling at you all night. i befriended the vodka and mixers and started having an even better time than i was having at my house.

all our friends are there, my brother-in-law is out with us - totally have to show him a good time! - and the tunes are really good so i'm dancing and having fun in the VIP area. nothing gonna brake-a my stride, nobody gonna slow me down. i'm having fun. dancing, drinking, dancing... and all of a sudden, whoops! BAM! hit the floor. "okay somebody totally just tripped me. that was so uncool," i say as my husband looks at me like "are you serious?"

dancing, drinking, seeing some old friends, club is filling up, dancing, drinking... BAM! off the two steps of the VIP area onto the floor - totally taking out a few people on my way down - and somehow end up on my back. i look up, pretty much in drunk horror, and see my husband bending down to get me. i think i tried to blame it on someone pushing me or tripping me again, but he didn't go for it. all i heard was "it's time to get her out of here" to his friends, and then to me something along the lines of "i can't believe you are that girl tonight."

ouch. and not only ouch because he said that, but because i was that girl. and ouch because i woke up the next morning with scabby bruised elbow and a black and blue bruise on my shin the size of a pancake. i mean really. completely uncalled for behavior.

needless to say i haven't had a thing to drink the rest of the weekend. and i probably owe a few people apologies. i just pray that i didn't look like tara reid out there. and i hope this bruise goes away soon. sheesh.

desperate

i'm really dying for a laugh today. but i can't find one.

somebody? anybody?

otherwise my happy hour is about to start. pronto.

busted big time

so i have this minor obsession of selling things from around the house on the internet. it all started with shopping on Amazon when i saw you could buy things "used" from other people. now i like shiny new books, so i buy them new. but i keep them nice and sell them when i'm done. i don't make any money, but i like it because it feels like i am.

when i first started i listed a bunch of my books. they all sold, so then i had to start gathering up other things, mostly CDs & DVDs. and it all just sold like crazy. i got such a thrill from the "Sold!" emails when someone bought something. but i quickly ran out of my stuff to sell, and had to find more.

so i'm looking at our DVD collection and i see all these stupid movies that never get watched. i'm talking bad movies like "the fast and the furious" etc. not my movies clearly. and i know that my husband never watches these, so i list them. he'll never know! and sure enough "Sold!" - i end up selling a few things, and then i start to run out of things to sell, so i stop.

so after the penis is delivered a couple of weeks ago my husband comes into the kitchen where i'm having a glass of wine, reading a magazine and asks "where's my Minority Report DVD?"

oops.

i casually say "i don't know. did you check upstairs?" of course he had, no it's not there. "hmmm," i say. "i don't know." he looks puzzled and declares "i bet adam has it," and kind of acts disgusted that adam took a movie and didn't return it.

had i not had a couple of glasses of wine in me, i wouldn't have felt too bad, but i just had to admit it. "okay, i sold it."

first there was confusion, and a "huh?" then comprehension and "you did what?!? that was mine!"

oh here we go with the "mine mine mine" like a 2 year old. but he never watched it, i said. still not cool. and then a light bulb went off in his head and he asks "what else of mine have you sold???"

busted. busted like lil kim, busted like tara reid's nipple, busted.

needless to say i had to quickly go onto Amazon.com and buy his stupid movies back. but i bought them cheap and used. so hah.

thank you husband, lesson learned. when i sell your stuff, i'll be 100% positive you won't miss it before it disappears. my instincts were abnormally off on this past one. i hate it when that happens.

i'm sad

i just found out that my best friend here is about to be kidnapped.

her husband might take her and move her out of this city, and to another part of the state. all for a little more moolah and a new job. if this was rhode island, that would probably be fine. but this is california, a pretty damn big state. no-cal and so-cal are definitely not close to each other.

who am i going to make saturday suburban trips to target with?
who am i going to shop with?
who am i going to make fun of other people and gossip with?
who am i going to go out with and claim to be the-most-fun-married-girls-ever-possible?
who am i going to skip work with to go to a casino and a dave matthews concert?
who am i going to spank guys at bars with?
who am i going to let do the MC Hammer at my wedding and not embarrass by posting a picture of it on the internet? oops.

yes, i might be stirring the terds. but i'm stirring them with a heavy heart.

why women don't take men on vacation

men are just little boys in bigger bodies