girls only want boyfriends who have great skills

napoleon would be jealous of the bowstaff skills this kid has!

he's actually kind of freaking me out. there's a lot of anger in that tiny body. don't you know his momma is so durn proud!

Karate Kid

was there a banana on the ice? B-A-N-A-N-A-S!

okay this just freaking cracks me up every single time i view it.

the poor girl can't get a break! it's bad enough that she screws up the words to one of the most important songs in this country - right up there with "Hollaback Girl" and "Since U Been Gone". but then when she returns, all full of confidence and dignity, she gets slammed.

i love watching people fall down. which means that every time i laugh at someone, that inevitable, huge spill that i will take just gets bigger and bigger.

i need a pipecleaner for my lungs

okay i need a whole other blog simply to exploit the freaks that ride the bus in the morning.

this morning i get on the bus and it's standing room only, so i grab a pole and hang on. i'm standing right beside a woman in a seat who is filing her nails. and not just ordinary filing of the nails - she's sawing them down. and the worst part is, her lap was COVERED IN NAIL DUST! not just a little bit of dander, but like a freaking sandbox full of nail shavings.

the windows were open and i just know that the nail dust was blowing all over everyone standing near. i tried to hold my breath for fear of inhaling her nails. i have never so badly yearned for a SARS mask.

i feel like i need to take another shower. blech.

funny like a clown

i just found this old email from my friend ryan and it's making me giggle so much. i can't quit laughing.

"My roommate got a note on his car yesterday. It said he was a "bonehead" for parking his car in two spots. The person signed it, "Cheers...big ears". I pissed my pants laughing so hard. He's now known as bonehead cuz I like that word too!"

i mean really, who writes "cheers, big ears"??? that is almost making me pee my pants right now too. every time i read it i just get a little more tickled.

he should have put "later, masturbator" too.

my momma had it in for me... a loooong time ago

and to think of all the times we cried from the back seat of the car "mcdonalds! mcdonalds!" and my mom took us there to get our happy meals, tossing them into the back seat of the station wagon or minivan - whichever was fashionable at the time - to shut us up.

from the newsdesk of Fox News:

For every extra weekly serving of french fries
that the women reportedly
ate as preschoolers, their risk of breast cancer
as adults rose 27 percent,
write Karin Michels, ScD, PhD, and colleagues.

yowzers!

full article: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,166155,00.html

thank you to my mom for forwarding me this article. and thank you for buying staci and i all those fries!

I am Armpit Britt, and damn proud of it!

I was just thinking about Garbage Pail Kids and trying to remember which one I was. I knew it was something gross, but thankfully not something too disgusting like Scabby Abby or Slimy Sam. Thank goodness I just have hairy armpits!

Although via Wayne's Garbage Pail Kids Reference I did discover that there are some new ones out there, and my new one would be Bigfoot Brittany, or if I wanted to go with the trashy spelling of my name, Brittney Spews!

I wonder if the Brittney Spews shows a fat heifer with a ponytail on the top of her head, walking barefoot into gas station bathrooms with a Veinte Iced Caramel Macchiato and wretching from morning sickness. If not, they totally should have gone that route!

Find your name here, but then you'll have to go here to find the card.

sunday

top reasons why yesterday was a pretty darn good good day.

1) weather was beautiful - sunny, no fog, and actually hot - 72 degrees!

2) saw "the 40 year old virgin" - laughed my ass off! hi-lar-ious.

one thing was sad though - at the movie i went into the restroom and there was a young woman in there with downs syndrome, and another "caretaker" girl with her. the caretaker asked the woman "did you like the movie?" and the woman replied with a bland "yes", not very convincing. i just thought this was mean. why bring a 30 year old virgin to see "the 40 year old virgin"? just seemed cruel.

back on track...

3) sold my old tv for a whopping $75 cash. watch out neiman marcus, here i come!

4) watched laguna beach marathon all day on the plasma. now i understand why the plasma is so great.

5) didn't have to cook dinner - there were enough leftovers to feed a small army, so i got out of cooking dinner. i love that.

let's hope today is the same kind of day...

arriba, arriba, ay! ay! ay!

mmmm, tonight i get homemade queso, and that is a mighty fine thing. after a totally stress-filled week, i can't think of anything else i'd rather do tonight.

my mom is here and cooking a good ol Tex-Mex dinner, with Corona and margaritas to go along. we'll get taco salad, chipotle black beans, guacamole... the works. while picking up the supplies at safeway she even grabbed one of those St. Mary jar candles in the "Hispanic" aisle at Safeway. i'm assuming we'll be lighting this and praying to the Holy Mother that the queso doesn't give megan the runs.

and no we're not mexican - we're as white as can be.

hasta la vista mi compadres. tengo hambre!

candid camera

i really think we're on candid camera here at work. this new girl started, and she cannot be for real!

let me preface that this place is all about team work. there's this whole "buddy" on-boarding system for new hires. we're all about "sharing best-practices" and generally when you're new, you spend your first couple of weeks doing a lot of shadowing and having "functional overviews" with various individuals.

so this girl started on monday, and she's already acting like the cat's meow. not in the way that she acts like she knows what she's doing, but she's acting like she's definitely too good to be here.

examples:

1) 2nd day on the job, she is Outlooked** for lots of overviews & shadowing - pretty much fills up her calendar. she flat out declines every invitation coming into her calendar. says they are too close together and don't need to be that long anyways. like she would know.

2) doesn't complete self-studies that are pre-reqs for her training. it's like Retail Math, and simple stuff like that. it doesn't take long, people. she says she doesn't have time though. what the f*ck is she doing??? she's not even doing any actual work yet.

3) shows up to work at 9:10am when she has a meeting scheduled at 9am. then goes for coffee before going to her meeting.

4) she complains about how slow our computers are, which is kind of a running joke around here. $17billion dollar company can't afford any more RAM for our machines. anyway, we all kind of chuckle saying she'll get used to Excel being frozen, but then find out she's just talking about how slow the internet is.

5) every new person gets their picture taken and it hangs in the lobby for like a month with your little bio. (luckily this started about 2 years after i started, so i didn't have to bear the humiliation.) when told it was time to take her picture, she said "no." flat out NO.

this girl doesn't report to me, and i'm not her buddy or anything, so i probably shouldn't be complaining. but she annoys the shit out of me. someone needs to tell her there's no "I" in TEAM - and chances are with the kind of people working here, somebody will. her response will probably be that there is a "ME".

** i know that's not a word, but it's a highly common practice around here - taking nouns and turning them into verbs. see above where i said "on-boarding" for another example. feel free to give me some new ones to throw around.

volunteering - it's good for the soul...

and really good for getting a day off of work!

today is one of the 4 days a year at work where they combine our "quarterly update" meeting with our do-good-in-the-community-day. so we just finished our update of how busines is "soft" but we have "great strategies in place" to "pull out a great back-half!" we'll see.

now i'm off to perform my civic volunteer duty - walking dogs at a local shelter, Pets Unlimited. i'm stoked about this assignment for 3 reasons:

1) i get to play with homeless animals, and take them to the park and play with them.

2) i am not assigned to one of the other labor-intensive projects like habitat for humanity, painting the salvation army, or cleaning the docks at the maritime museum. whew!

3) i get to be done at 3:30pm. and it's only 5 blocks from my house, so i'll be home at 3:40pm, with leo on my lap and getting ready to watch oprah. i haven't seen oprah since i was a lazy loaf receiving unemployment checks (thank you Enron). so i'm psyched!

hasta luego kids!

daytime chat

so after my last posting, i was really thinking "wow, i want to quit my job!" so i emailed tim and informed him of this little factoid.

here's our conversation:

britt: btw, i want to get pregnant and quit. seriously.

tim: Quit! You're miserable there. You'll find something else. Quit while we have a free place to stay! **

britt: eh - i like the salary. only problem.

tim: It's a cruel world...

britt: it is. it is.

** yes, we are moochers. my parents have a "vacation home" in san francisco that we are living in... until we have kids, then we have to get out - per my dad. so maybe i shouldn't use the baby as my retirement plan. because then we'll have to move out. it's a damn catch 22.

what does that mean anyway?

case of the mondays

today i hate my job too much to post.

i'm just over it. stay at home mom, here i come!

wait, i can't get pregnant until after i wear those 2 bridesmaid dresses next may & june. damn, that means i'll be working for like another year!

f*ck!

the penis in our living room

and no, it's not attached to my husband. but it is because of my husband.

tim went out last saturday morning to run some "errands" with his best friend sean, and came home with a humongo flat screen tv. well, not the flat screen itself, but he informed me that the flat screen would be delivered the following day - on a Sunday, no less. it was that important that we get it into our house as quickly as possible.

so i said, fantastic. now that you've done that, why don't you hop in the car with me and let's go buy a new piece of furniture for that bad boy to go on? slight buzzkill for tim, but whatever - the one we had wouldn't work with the new monster so we needed a new one. reluctantly, he agreed, and within 2 hours we were the proud owners of a new hutch - conveniently picked up by tim & sean the following day, and slid into place just in time to have the tv delivered and set up on it. it was actually a very beautiful, moving, and almost choreographed event.

but the acquisition of this new piece of equipment has only led to more trips to best buy to buy cables, DVD players, and various other crap. and i won't even go into the nightmare we've had with Comcast Cable - they suck... they tell you to "have some who speaks English at home for appointment" and then sends out some Indian who can't speak English and doesn't know how to hook up a cable box. idiots.

but hopefully soon we'll have our whole digital, HDTV, etc. package set up and we can enjoy the fruits of tim's hard labor of throwing down for this fine plasma that now rules our living room. long live the king.

highlights from my day of hooky

1) beginning a day of drinking at 10:00am. okay, okay - it was actually 10:30am. don't want to try and make myself sound cooler than i really am!

2) creating brilliant dice games and using them as our vehicle for alcohol consumption. we couldn't justify just sitting around and drinking on a limo-bus on a tuesday morning without some sort of game making us drink.

3) Thunder Valley casino. there is nothing like throwing your money away on the slots at an indian reservation casino in the middle of absolutely nowhere.

4) being a VIP all day. free drinks, free food, and more free drinks. and a shaded and fanned VIP tent with open bar at the concert while the common folk schlepped around outside sweating their asses off and drinking cheap beer.

5) sitting 3rd row at the concert. i kept having daydreams that dave was catching my eye and winking at me, and gesturing me to meet him backstage after the show. i still think he was, but unfortunately i had more drinking to do on the limo bus, so i had to deny dave and head out after the show.

6) here's the set list from the show - need i say more?

American Baby
Granny
Dream Girl
What Would You Say
Rhyme &
Reason
Louisiana Bayou
Crash
Lie In Our Graves
Smooth Rider
Too Much
Hunger For The Great Light
Warehouse
Steady As We Go
Pantala Naga Pampa
Rapunzel
__________________

Old Dirt Hill
Tripping Billies

7) i will say more - IN 'N OUT baby! i had my first Double Double and fell happily asleep with cheeseburger and french fries in my tummy at 1:00am. that's so good for the thighs!

8) being so completely sore on wednesday from dancing too much. butt, thighs, back - even my boobs were sore. that was some serious dancing.

9) everyone at work on wednesday asking me if i was feeling better after being out sick on tuesday. they all thought i was pregnant and seemed slightly disappointed when i told them it was something i ate.

Orange Tree Murder

so for those of you who didn't go to UT (God bless your souls), this is the apartment complex where anybody who was anybody lived when we were sophomores. basically they whole complex was greek, with the exception of the few foreign occupied apartments who left their shoes outside their front door due to custom, only to be tossed in the pool by drunken frat boys in the middle of the night.

i, of course, didn't live here though. not that i wasn't "anybody who's anybody", because hello, this is beebers. i just opted to live alone in the 2BR/2BA condo my dad had 2 blocks away from orange tree, and live comfortably and albeit slightly spoiled, instead of squeezing 4 girls into a tiny apartment. life's rough, i know. i don't know how i made it through.

anyway, this is super duper freaky. orange tree was a totally trustworthy, reliable place to live. most people passed out without locking their doors at night, and nothing happened. the "occasional break in and stuff" like my friend melissa said, but nothing like this. rumor is the girl was found chopped into pieces. and this guy is apparently a frat boy gone bad. actually gone to mexico at this point.

college kids, lock your doors. and for heavens sake don't hang out with those looney frat boys!

http://www.chron.com/cs/CDA/ssistory.mpl/metropolitan/3319489

UPDATE - disgusting. I don't think this article mentions it, but another one yesterday said that when he was buying his hacksaw and carpet cleaner and latex gloves at the hardware store, they asked him what he was going to use the saw for. He said he was going to cut up a turkey. Psycho?

http://www.news8austin.com/content/top_stories/default.asp?ArID=143870

aw you betcha! yeah....

i heard a lot of that this weekend. that whiney, nasally "aw yeah" said over & over & over again by native Minnesotans. sounds exactly like you're living in the Fargo movie. it's kind of endearing in a way. but after a few days, you're ready to get away from it.

tim and i visited his family in minneapolis, and thankfully they don't have that accent because they're not natives. we had such a relaxing weekend - lots of napping and wine consumption. and i even got to lay out yesterday for an hour. i successfully burned my boobs. that, to me, is the perfect weekend.

one thing i'm pondering this morning though is the mystery popcorn that has found its way into my purse. my purse was on the floor beneath the seat in front of me on the plane last night. tim wasn't eating popcorn, neither was the girl sitting on the other side of me. i know there wasn't any popcorn at tim's parents' house before we left. who put the popcorn bits in my purse?

it's kind of freakin' me out. yeah, you betcha it is! arby's - it's good for the baby.

oh, the woes of being a social butterfly

i have so much to say! so very much to say!

but i have no time. getting on a red-eye flight here in a couple of hours to go spend the weekend with the in-laws and my husband's family.

i will absolutely blog later. i have good stories of good times from our day of debauchery and deceit at dave matthews on tuesday. and funny things to write about megan.

until then... i leave you with this.

vanity fair article

i was so hyped up about this article, but it really wasn't that fantabulous. i read it while getting my mani/pedi yesterday. if you care.

i love this guy for posting the article here, so i didn't have to haul my lazy butt downstairs to the quickie mart and race to get a copy of the mag before everyone else at my place of business beat me to it.

http://www.livejournal.com/community/ohnotheydidnt/2991356.html

thanks, sultrydame.

party girls have celebrity sightings

and i was such a party girl friday night. unbelievable, i know, considering the pathetic form i was in all day on friday. i actually considered escaping to a "quiet room" at work for about 1/2 an hour at 4:00pm so i could get 30 minutes of shut eye. unfortunately i had too much to do.

so i worked up until the time tim got there to meet me. we went downstairs to Gordon Biersche and grabbed a quick dinner and cocktails before heading to the Dave Matthews show. which was slightly disappointing i must say. dave was great and all, but the fog rolled in and it was almost unbearably cold. if i'd had balls, they would have frozen off. and we were surrounded by about 12 high school potheads who were literally smoking the entire time. and making out, and demonstrating their stellar drumming skills. i think i am now technically too old for dave matthews band. which makes me sad because of my all-day excursion planned for tuesday.

anyway, tim and i were a little distracted as we had BIG plans for the night. DJ AM was in town to spin at Fluid, and tim's friend was going to get us in. after the hangover all day friday, i thought there was no way in hell i was going out after the concert. but the thought of seeing DJ AM was just too exciting. it invoked visions of me and nicole richie becoming best friends and hanging out all night and doing coke together. well, maybe not that last part. well... maybe.

so we cop out of the concert early and head home to change. at this point it's like 11pm and i'm so completely impressed that tim & i are leaving the house at 11pm and that it's not to catch a red-eye flight. we hop in a cab and get down to Fluid where there are about 200 people outside trying to get in. we shove right up to the front and get in immediately, although by the skin of our teeth, but alas - we are in and having a good time!

head to the bar, and though it takes 15 minutes to get a cocktail, we are in business. it's totally crowded and the dance floor is a total nightmare, but i am bound and determined not to just dance to DJ AM's tunes all night, but gosh darnit i want to see him with my own two eyes! so i head into the jungle of messy, sloppy, drunk girls, get about 10 feet from his mix-master station, stand up on my tippy toes and low and behold, i lay my eyes on the skinny little guy we see in UsWeekly every week. and he is rocking his DJ stand, let me tell you! but what a little guy.

so, slightly anti-climatic, but i'm satisfied that i've at least seen him. we make it out until the club closes, then head home and hit the kitchen for some late-night grub. we have a total riot of a time text-messaging megan pretending that we are in DJ AM's suite at the W, and that i'm hanging out with nicole richie. she was so jealous, and tim and i giggled like we were 13 and marveled at how clever we were.

saturday was spent, much like friday was: completely unproductive and hungover. but it was worth every jab of headache pain and wave of nausea - for i got to see DJ AM. who else can say that?

it's all about the sex, baby!

i know i wasn't going to post with hangover head, but this is mindless. i couldn't resist.

thanks tinapopo via babyjewels

What Famous Leader Are You?
personality tests by similarminds.com

hangin'

sorry kids, i'm too hungover to post today. i'm barely making it through work. i somehow have to find a way to rally in a couple of hours because we're going to see Dave Matthews at PacBell Park tonight.

guess i'll just start in on the vino again. nothing like a little hair of the dog...

later skaters.

i love my mom

first of all, her nickname is Takeela Sheila. and she totally spells it like white trash. there's no tequila here! only the phonetical spelling for our dumb asses.

she calls my friend ryan, a.k.a. Skater, to rub in that she's drinking right now.

ring...ring...ring...

"Hello..."

"Skater...I'm two up on you already"

"Huh..."

"I've already had two glasses of pinot grigio..."

yep...it's 3.20 pm and I'm pretty sure Takeela sucks!

can't wait for a cocktail tonight! GIDDY UP!

Poop

TinaPoPo, i can trump you on the phantom pooper, my dear.

i just went to the bathroom, did my business and turned around to flush. as i'm hiking my foot up to hit the handle i notice something out of the corner of my eye on the wall of the bathroom stall.

it is a small brown blob sticking to the wall, at about waist level. i think to myself "there's no way there is poop on the wall!" and i lean in a little closer - not too close, don't worry - and oh my gosh, there is poop on the wall! there is now a small dab of poop hanging out on the wall in the bathroom. just chillin on the wall. now that is just disgusting!

i mean, what the hell was going on in there that resulted in a piece of fecal matter on the wall? the floor, i could maybe understand. not totally, because that is still disturbing that a grown woman can't manage to get her shit in the toilet. pardon the pun. but on the freaking wall?! seriously! and it's not like it was smeared up there either. just delicately placed. ewww!

i feel so bad just thinking of the poor little woman who cleans the bathrooms at different intervals during the day. when she finds that, she is going to go into shock! i practically did.

UPDATE -
i just went into the bathroom and chose to go into the 2nd stall instead of the 1st stall, AKA the dookie stall. a girl was coming out of the dookie stall, and i glanced past her at the wall and there it was! dookie, just a hangin' out!

then as i was leaving the bathroom the president of our division walked in and went into the dookie stall! i started giggling like a 4th grader because i just thought it was hilarious that our high & mighty pres is sitting on a toilet next to a wall with dookie on it.

i'm mature, i know it.

It's completely logical

Thanks to Staynka for this.

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a Weedeater?"
"Yeah."
"Then logically because you own a weedeater, I think that you would have a
yard."
"That's true, I do have a yard."
"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."
"Yes, I do have a house."
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."
"I have a family."
"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."
"Yes, I do have a wife."
"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."
"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a weedeater."

Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History, and Logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weedeater?"
"No."
"Then you're gay."

my boyfriends's sister's brother's cousin's dog's nutritionist's uncle's friend's hairdresser said...

who cares whether this is legit or not, it's still fun b/c i'm nosy and love to get into other people's business. especially the business of those people who can afford a fashionable cocaine habit!

this was " ----- Forwarded by Allison Anderson/HFFLP on 08/09/2005 10:46 AM ----- " so i cannot get in trouble for slander!

i have some really fun gossip for you though. okay so emily works for "W" magazine and goes to all the celebrity parties and writes about them. obviously she is in the know with all the hot gossip. her boss is best friends with the editor in chief of us weekly as well, so this is like double or triple confirmed. and mind you, just in case you needed further justification for your us weekly subscription, according to emily it is referred to as the "bible" in the magazine circle, with all information panning out and true. hello! emily said that when they have meetings, from the top executive down, they all come to the meeting with their newest "us weekly" as it is the source of all new celebrity gossip. here are the highlights of what i found out:

1.) tom cruise did give katie holmes a 10 million, 10 year contract. this of course is to cover up that he is gay. she will be "under contract" as his wife for that period of time. nicole kidman had a similar contract. there is a "no sex" clause hence the no children in any of his past marriages. there are several stories of tom meeting men in bathrooms at parties for little rendezvous, but he doesn't keep a serious boyfriend on the side, just little escapades here and there.
you guys should read the "W" magazine this month for her interview, it's really disturbing.

2.) Nick and Jessica have an open marriage. she was in fact doing johnny knoxville while filming dukes of hazard. jessica is a coke head. after she and nick film their next abc special they will announce their divorce, mostly likely by the end of the year.

3.) Mary-Kate, Jennifer Aniston, and Lindsey Lohan, all coke heads.

4.) Brad did cheat on Jennifer with Angelina (no surprise there), but he had an issue with her coke problem too.

5.) Vince Vaughn is a raging alcoholic

6.) Ben affleck was drunk in a bar when he Jennifer Garner got married, a fellow reporter friend of Emily was there getting the story. Ben was drunk and told her that they are having a girl. he didn't realize that emily's friend was a reporter.

so i'm hoping the last one was a typo because it doesn't make sense that ben was in a bar when he and jennifer got married. i mean, you can't be in 2 places at once, can you? or did they get married at a bar? hmmm.

petra

so saturday night we're out and looking for a cab to chaffeur us to our next bar. i see one pull into a gas station and we flag him down and hop in. he is supremely hot too, and has this fantastic accent. he tells us he is from prague, and since i've spent a whopping 3 days of my life in prague, i decide to play the "oh i've been there!" game with him.

i launch into my diet-coke-bottle-tour-guide prague story. now most professional tour guides hold up a sign, or an umbrella, or a baton with fuzzy strings hanging off, so that their tour groups can follow them. our's must have been poor, b/c she clearly couldn't afford a fancy baton. we had to follow her diet coke bottle.

anyway, she told us something so amazing and educational about the Charles Bridge. she said "thees ees the charles breege. eet ees called thees, because eet ees a breege, and was beeult by charles." wow, thank you!

so after 30 seconds of that fabulous story, we ask our cab driver his name, and he says Peter. we're like, what? with that fantastic accent and eccentric long hair and sexy european look, all we get is Peter? so he says we can call him "Petra." now that's more like it! we hoot and hollar about that for a few seconds, but i don't think lisa said anything the whole cab ride except for "he's so hot!" megan just giggled the whole time and took his picture. which now that i look at it, he doesn't seem so hot. perhaps it was the razzledazzle-martini-goggles.

hooky help

okay kids, i have decided to play hooky from work next tuesday.

why?

because megan and i have VIP passes to see Dave Matthews in Marysville, CA. i have no flippin idea where marysville is, but i know we are getting on a limo-bus with 35 of our closest strangers to get up there. we will be showered with free food and cocktails all morning, until we get to a casino somewhere near Sacramento. we will then have lunch and cocktails and gamble a little. we'll get back on the limo-bus and eat more food and drink more cocktails until we get to the po-dunk town and unload into our VIP area of the concert, where we are treated with more food and cocktails.

why am i telling you all this? not to rub in what a supremely fantastic time meg & i will have next tuesday. but because i need help. i have never called in sick before. so i need some good excuses.

help me, people. help.

now THIS is true love and commitment!

now this is the kind of love and devotion that is missing in most marriages today. hollywood couples could learn a lot from this.

"I, Jennifer Lyn, take you George C. to be my lawful wedded husband.
I promise to love you and honor you, in sickness and in health, in domesticity or in prison.
I promise to break your criminal ass out of jail whenever you need me.
I promise to yell "Shoot 'em!" at whomever gets in my way.
Til death do we part."

amen, sista! i feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

http://www.cnn.com/2005/US/08/09/inmates.escape/index.html

i hope you're as pathetic as i am

i managed a whopping 13% on the first go round. but then i got 100% the second time.

i'm slower than molasses today.

http://www.njagyouth.org/colortest.swf

assholes everywhere

my place of work is full of a bunch of assholes. there's a bunch of sunday drivers walking around this place today.

now i know it's monday, and i'm in a bit of a fog myself. but seriously, if i were exiting a security turnstile and there was someone waiting to come through, i wouldn't lollygag in the middle, chatting with someone going the other way, and hold up traffic with my big fat pregnant ass. especially at lunch time. it's just rude!

bunch of morons. why can't everyone be as perfect as i am?

Stinky Continental

flying today isn't fun, because none of the airlines are really good. unless you're flying first-class internationally, which i don't do very often. or at all.

but this really sucks - i feel for this poor guy. maybe now my husband will better understand why i want to sit as close to the front of the plane as possible.

read right to left - top to bottom. i love his artwork! it's so first-grade quality!

today i was THAT girl

so it takes me forever to get out of the house this morning. i quickly turned off the get-up-and-go-to-the-gym alarm at 5:15am so i could get another hour of sleep. then after 20 minutes of "wardrobe issues" i have to take leo to the park, which is never a quick trip because he has to have utter silence to take a poo, so if a car drives by or another dog is in the park, he can't go and has to wait until the "craziness" dies down.

anyway, so i get home, quickly feed him and give him his medicine, putting those greasy drops in his ear for his yeast infection - yes, apparently dogs get yeast infections in their ears. don't smell it - it doesn't smell like freshly baked bread, it smells like something crawled in there and died! *shudder*

then i discover that our refrigerator has gone on strike. the milk has gone bad, so no cereal or latte for me. i grab a cereal bar, grab a soda, and quickly put on my adorable new cream sweater with suede elbow patches from Gap (it's casual friday) and head out the door. i speed walk to the bus stop, but not fast enough b/c i just missed an express bus. 20 minutes later i get on a bus with 20 other late commuters. one of the gods is smiling on me, b/c i get the last seat on the bus.

i plop down and whip out "shopaholic and sister" and start reading. i then remember that i didn't cut the tag out of the back of my new sweater, and i pray that i haven't been walking around the city with it hanging out of the back of my neck. i subtly slip my hand around to the back of my neck to check for the tag, and phew! it's not hanging out! thank goodness i'm not a total dork.

i get back to reading and as i look down at the book in my lap, what do i see - a long, sizing sticker that reads "XS XS XS XS XS XS" still adhered to my sweater, running down my left boob. i cannot believe i missed it! i successfully advertised to everyone who saw me this morning that i wear XS tops. i guess it's better that i didn't advertise my fat ass jeans size. geeze.

TGIFFF - that's TGI Finally F*cking Friday!

Tara & Paris

i don't think much needs to be said about this. except that wow, i hope i don't look like that when i hit the black out point of the night! yikes.

http://totallycrap.com/media/taraandparis/

i will die an early death

so apparantly some people out there are faced with this question: "Should I order dessert, or a second glass of wine?" Real Simple magazine has an article on this right now, and according to the magazine, the BETTER choice is Dessert.

now i normally choose both - and throw in a cup of coffee while you're at it too - so i didn't really pay attention to this article. until i read the following tag line:

While no one is suggesting that it's healthy to eat a rich dessert, the research is pretty clear: Women should have no more than one drink a day.

Wowzers.

There are other problems with alcohol, even in moderation. "Alcohol consumption is associated with an increased risk of breast cancer. And while the risk of breast cancer from one glass of alcohol is small, I'd choose dessert over a second cocktail."

so it looks like i will probably die young, drunk, and fat from cake. delightful.

why do men have nipples?

well, according to this book it's because all fetuses start out developing as females, and by the time the male chromosomes kick in, they already have nipples formed.

the fact that the lazy ass male chromosome takes so long to kick in just helps prove my point that men are slower at everything. everything is done on their time, or as my husband likes to call it "tim time." the calculation for tim time is this: one 24-hour female day = 30 male days. when i request that something gets done "this weekend," on tim time it gets done within the next 2 months. maybe. when are you going to fix that nightstand drawer, tim?

the article reviewing this book also pointed out something incredibly disturbing. the average public toilet seat is contaminated with gonorrhea, pinworm and roundworm. seriously, ewww! but what is even more disturbing is that the typical office desk has almost 400 times more disease-causing bacteria than the toilet seat. that right there is justification for me to leave work right now, and promptly retire.

who wants to get gonorrhea from just going to work everyday? all you prostitutes put your hands down.