this shit is bananas

so i'm in the car with my mom today and gwen's catchy tune comes on the radio. it's extremely funny to me and makes me have fond memories of a certain night out at Impala.

i'm kind of daydreaming as i drive, giggling to myself about how silly and wasted we were at the club, and how when the song came on and megan and i thought we actually turned into gwen stefani. then my mom knocks me out of my daydream by saying "i ain't no harlem fat girl?? is that what she's saying?"

i almost had a wreck i started laughing so hard. and you know what, she's right. next time you listen to hollaback girl, sing "i ain't no harlem fat girl! i ain't no harlem fat girl!"

that shit is bananas!

From the Personals

SB&WF Bitch seeks well-hung SB&WM

Hi, I'm Zoe!
My hobbies are:
Going to the park
Playing B-A-L-L
Dressing up in Mardi Gras beads
Playing totem pole with my daddy while he's in his underwear
Being a walking blanket
Sneaking into the bedroom and getting under the covers while nobody is home
Hunting for kitty cats
Riding around in a Mini Cooper
Lying in the sun
And having fun!

If you're interested in playing ball with me, call 415-902-3067!

oh no!

Oh, tragedy!
Looks like somebody took down Elvis and left his pieces all over the office.
Revenge of the co-workers who were actually WORKING that weekend the masterpiece was created.

STOMP!

So we had tickets to see STOMP last night. Only one minor catastrophy really - we thought the show was right next door to where we had dinner, but oh no, it's about 6 blocks away. Doesn't seem that bad does it?

But have you ever walked through the Tenderloin neighborhood of San Francisco? Wearing your diamond earrings and wedding rings and high heeled shoes and lookin' so cute? It's not the neighborhood you want to hang out in. I wouldn't even wait at the corner for the lights to change so we could cross - I just crossed in whichever direction the light was green to keep moving so as to avoid becoming the target of some heinous crime. Or at least to avoid being pissed on by a drugged up disgruntled bum.

Anywho, we finally get there - slightly out of breath - and find our row and sit down.
Lo and behold, I have Kenny Rogers sitting in front of me!
And seeing as I've had a few glasses of wine I loudly whisper "Oh great! I've got a mullet in front of me! I mean, really! Who wears mullets these days?!?!"
My mom is asking me to "keep my voice down" while Megan and I are just giggling like 13 year olds as we try to get her camera phone ready to capture proof.

My View


Regardless, STOMP was an awesome show. I last saw it like 10 years ago, when I was in high school. It was just as much fun as the first time I saw it, from what I could see.
I highly recommend it if it comes to a theatre near you. Ask for a sans-Mullet view.

Blonde

This is for Megan, because she's such an adorable little blonde.
Right, Meg? Didn't you say we were two cute little blondes??? Haha


My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway, the other day, just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck and I starting jumping up and down along with her.
When she said, "Honey, I have some really great news for you!"
I said "Great! Tell me what you're so happy about."
She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, when she told me that she was pregnant!
I was ecstatic!
We had been trying for a while, so I grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her, "That's great! I couldn't be happier!"
Then, she said "Oh, honey, There's more."
I asked, "What do you mean 'more'?"
She said, "Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!"
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I asked her how she knew.
She said, "Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both tests came out positive!"

wannabe

so leslie calls me from a Weezer concert in Atlanta last week and says the lead singer of the opening band, Second Shift, looks just like tim (husband). but skinnier, and tinier. "he has that thick, curly hair, pretty boy look. don't you think tim is pretty? i do," she says. which is funny in and of itself.

it's a compliment, tim, don't get your panties in a wad.

so i finally get around to going to their website today and checking out some pics. i almost peed my pants looking at the pictures of this guy and comparing him to tim! i can see where she'd think they look alike, and there are totally slight resemblences. but this guy is so much "prettier" than tim, which has to be courtesy of all that makeup. or is that his natural dewey, blushed look? and he's way, way, waaaayyyy skinnier!

i'll let you all decide for yourself.

thanks for the laughs, les!

97 degrees is totally hot

and that's what i schlepped around in all weekend while back home in Austin. and none of this dry heat business either - we are flat out hot & humid, and apparantly damn proud of it!

austin is the greatest city on earth. despite melting while trying to get from one place to another, i got my stomach's fill of margaritas and yummy queso with quacamole & pico. if you don't know what that is, i pray for your yankee soul.

all of austin is draped in yellow for lance armstrong. i guess he's adopted austin as his hometown, but he's not from there. and nobody seems to care - they still throw yellow over anything that doesn't move and bow to lance. it's great that he just won #7. now let's move on, people.

i will admit that the new Whole Foods is a spectacular new tourist stop. it's massive and totally organic. i'm sure they didn't kill any wildlife or put any toxins into the sewer system while erecting that monstrosity of a building. they had damn good filet mignons though.

the weekend's talk was around babies, seeing as my sister is 9 weeks pregant. babies babies babies. just made me drink a whole lot more and appreciate the fact that i can!

it was a sad sunday leaving the live music captial of the world. even though i didn't get to any live music shows this trip home, they proudly gave me one last opportunity at the airport where they have a stage set up for local bands. imagine that being your only gig for the month. i guess you could get some sort of a following...

adios austin. see you again in october.

i could have saved my dad so much money!

honey, why didn't we think of this??? what could be more special than saying your vows atop the Black Hole, then slippin' and slidin' your way into marriage!


"Here I am, carrying my bride out of the tidal wave pool!"



"We're happy as two pigs in slop!!"



"Wonder when we'll get our turn?"



"Who needs a honeymoon when you've got a waterslide!!"

a what???

this, ladies and gentleman, is a Balenciaga.

better known to my inner circle of select peeps as the Balenciaga Malaga.

this $1400 purse is coveted by young 20-somethings who probably make about $40,000 a year. nonetheless, it is their special treat to themselves for accomplishing whatever it is you can accomplish in a job that pays you $40,000 a year.

mazel tov, Balenciaga Malaga!

this guy has balls!

this is equally as good as the groom who exposed his bride & best man's affair by giving everyone at the wedding 8x10's of them having sex.

this guy is awesome!

don't get mad, get even - it feels better!

Katie Daly Legal Marketing Whore

is it monday???

because the way my day started off it sure feels like it.

i woke up at 5:00am to Leo rearranging himself at the foot of the bed every 5 seconds. then around 5:15 he stopped and decided to sit there and just stare at me. i thought maybe he needed to go to the bathroom so i got on my pants and fleece (it's 54 here in san francisco) and took him out to the side of the house. he just sat down and stared at me again. so after about 5 mintues i took him back in and put him on the bed. he rearranged himself again every 5 seconds until about 6:00am. i finally fell asleep again. then the alarm went off at 6:15am.

so then i'm on the bus and this guy sitting in front of me is acting really odd. he's holding on to the bottom of his seat with his right hand, and then holding onto the seat in front of him with his left hand, and he's holding himself up off his seat about 3 inches for the whole ride, except when the bus isn't moving. i'm thinking he had hemorroids. it was weird, regardless.

then i get off the bus and i'm on my way to the office and i'm trying to pass this girl in front of me on the sidewalk. i start to pass her on the left and she starts veering to the left. i start going faster and further to the left, but i'm running out of sidewalk and she's still veering. i finally get up to her and as i pass her i see that while she is walking she is reading the new Harry Potter book. i mean really, is it that good???

as i get closer to work and this guy in front of me is zigzagging across the sidewalk as well. is he reading harry potter too? no, he just can't walk in a straight line.

what is with people this morning? i, of course, am perfect. it's too bad everyone else isn't.

ugliest dog in the world

so i would totally post this little guy's picture here, but it absolutely terrifies me and i can't have it pop up on my blog for the next few days.

this poor thing. he looks like Spike the lead gremlin when they get fed after midnight. i feel bad making fun of how atrociously ugly he is, because apparantly his health is failing him.

but my God! it's not bad enough that he has no hair, a skin condition that makes him look like freddy krueger, and translucent eyes... but he's even got jacked up teeth!

oy. truly a face "only a mother can love." *shudder*

Ugliest dog in the entire world

gangsta granny

if i caught my mimi selling crank out of her window, i would beat her senseless with her cane!
my mimi doesn't have a cane, but that's besides the point.

Fla. Woman, 76, Allegedly Sells Crack
JACKSONVILLE, Fla. — A 76-year-old woman was arrested for allegedly selling crack cocaine by putting the drugs in her purse and lowering them by rope from her second-floor window.

The woman was arrested last week on charges of possession and sale of a controlled substance, and was freed on $10,000 bail.

The suspect, who has no record of previous arrests in Jacksonville, is accused of selling $20 worth of crack in a police sting.

Police said they found a gun and ammunition in Minnie Perlotte Collins' house, as well as a purse attached to a rope next to her bed.

call in the efficiency consultants, please.

wow, somebody's business is not functioning very efficiently, given this latest work of office art.

now, granted these guys did this over a weekend - and not just any weekend - a fabulous 3-day holiday weekend. The first paid-time-off holiday since new year's day!

Now, I can understand working on a weekend when there's just too much work to do, and there's no way around it. Actually I can't, because they don't pay me enough to give up my Saturday or Sunday to be sitting in my cube.

Anyway, I don't think they even needed to be there, because clearly they weren't working. They were slapping post-its on a conference room wall. At least the color range is nice - Elvis's complexion is amazing.

Somebody tell these guys to get a life.

And tell their bosses they should evaluate the redundancies on the floor.

And I hate Elvis. Ugh.

Check out more pictures, and the fascinating details around the construction of their Memorial Day masterpiece at MentalHygiene.

kate! kate!

nobody will get this, but I had to do it for me & meg.

Kate, Kate, she's so great!
She can skate,
but nothings on her plate.
I heard she can't wait
to eat nothing but bait,
And she'll forever be thin at that rate.
Who gains weight
from eating just bait?
I would hate
to have a date
with Kate
in my state.
Makes all the boys masterbate.
She'll just have to find another mate.
Like her ex - she took him out on a date.
Oh Kate, she sure does aggravate!

Spiteful Southern Women

If this would have been the situation in either my wedding, or my sister's wedding, I am 100% positive this is exactly how my mother would have reacted!


Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parents' nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new youngwife had bought the exact same dress! Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'llget another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later,they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."

Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

revenge of the bay breeze

so, not feeling too totally hot today. but last night, we were rock stars. megan and i tore it up, much to the chagrin of our husbands, their friends, and pretty much everyone around us. but we were so much fun, let me tell you! we can't understand why anyone wouldn't want to party with us.

highlights include:
1) amazon women (not us - hello, i'm 5'1") attempting to dance on the furniture in the club. but the ceiling was too low and they were hunching over at the neck while doing their oh-so-sexy moves. not attractive.

2) my husband attempting to kill me by getting me a sea breeze instead of a bay breeze. i can't drink grapefruit juice because it counteracts with medicine. duh.

3) me going up to my husband and attempting, in a very white girl way, to dirty dance. a guy next to tim says "do you know her?" "yes, it's my wife," he says.
then megan coming up from behind and attempting, in a very white girl way, to grind him from behind. the guy says "do you know her?" and tim says "yes, it's my friend's wife."

4) megan's nu-bra sliding down her torso b/c she was sweating too much to keep her boobs in place.

5) 100 white people dancing to "hey ya", "naughty girl", and "ice ice baby". wow.

6) smacking my husband across the head with my purse for no reason at all. except i thought i was mad about something...

7) adam asking megan "why is the back of your shirt a different color than the front?" sweat hog.

8) skipping the AIDS walk this morning due to lack of energy from shaking our booties all night. hey, i paid my registration fee. that's all that matters.

5 Seconds of Fame

This had me laughing all afternoon at work on Friday - and not just because I'm a Longhorn and hate Tech. It's just that funny. Way to make Mom proud!

You just came to Texas Tech University as a freshman, and you get the opportunity to make it big time as the football team's "BELL RINGER" during their games.

Your whole family, all of your friends, and about 10-15 million ESPN viewers will see you on a Saturday telecast ringing the team's bell.

But to your whole family, all of your friends, and about 10-15 million ESPN viewers, you DO NOT appear to be ringing the team's bell...

bellringer.wmv
Thanks to Sprinklerdoc.com.

Girls Best Friend

This guy is just, like, totally fabulous!

Wish I'd had him around during my dating days. Shit, I could still use him - think I'll pull him up every time I get ready for a night out on the town. Maybe it'll give my husband a hint. Although he'll just probably take the hint as I want more gay guys as friends. As if I don't have enough already...

Online Pre-Date Confidence Builder
Courtesy of zefrank

Solid Gold, baby. Solid Gold.

My goddamn rock solid ghetto shiznit name is Fallopian Shizzlemah.
What's yours?
Powered by Rum and Monkey.

Slightly curious as to how the name of a female organ got into this little ghetto name generator. I guarantee ghetto ass punks have no idea what a fallopian tube is!

Megan - based on your experience last night, this quiz is for you. Can you find that little shit that vandalized your car and ask him if he knows what it is?

Yeehaw Texas Women!

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from Utah, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Florida. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Texas girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

Boyz in the Hood

Poor Meg was in a paddy wagon last night. No, thank goodness she wasn't caught turning tricks on the corner. She was taken "downtown" to ID some little hoodlums who trashed their car during the middle of the night. Now, we both live in the middle of San Francisco, far from the sketchiness of the Tenderloin, and where we live should be relatively safe. I mean, we walk our dogs to the park at night without a thought. But you can easily forget that you live in a big city...
Sorry Meggie! Let's go get some retail therapy...

Her trauma:
"We woke up to them smashing the windows and at first we didn’t know what it was…so we went back to bed and then heard it again and Adam went into the living room and they had smashed his back window….they were throwing bricks at the car! So I got on the phone with 911 and the stupid kids were actually hanging around! Then they broke another window and put a huge dent in the door and then the started walking down the street and the police got here…..and the kids went running and one of the officers jumped out and ran after him and they got one kid…..

The worse part is that they were 13!! So then we took Adam’s car to the station because it had no windows and I wasn’t about to let him put it in the garage!**

I just took Adam down there to get it….pretty funny…picture Adam all dressed in his suit driving his Mercedes without windows!"

**This is because Meg just got a Mini Cooper that she named "Mini" (there's a deep, hidden meaning there) and she is overly-protective. Adam works for Mercedes so the trashed car is a company car, so somewhat more okay to get vandalized. And a side note that has nothing to do with this is that their garage is the size of a coat closet.

ewww, owen.

okay i just have to leave a follow up to my Owen post a few days ago. after reading The Superficial's blurb on him today, maybe i don't want to be one of those girls in his movie.

how many licks does it take to get to the middle of a skanky ho?

i don't know... ask owen.

Right up next to the "Equal Opportunity Employer" signs...

By The Boondocks via ucomics.

You know, I don't know if I buy the whole Hermes-didn't-let-her-in-because-she-wasn't-dressed-up-and-didn't-have-her-makeup-on bit.
I showed up at the Gucci store in Italy a few weeks ago, straight out of bed, waiting for the door to open, so I could get my Gucci at 35% less than in the States. And they didn't turn me away.
Now, I didn't get complimentary champagne service, but they graciously accepted my credit card, at least. And I can guaran-damn-tee that I didn't spend anywhere in the same vicinity what Oprah would have done at Hermes.
Anyway, I think Hermes was closing and setting up for a private party, like they claimed.
Yep.

burritos! burritos! ay yay yay!

this is disgusting but hilarious.
how'd you like to be the actress who landed the role in this commercial? kind of like the people who do the Valtrex and Viagra commericals. i mean really, they couldn't pay me enough.

or maybe they could...

yo quiero taco bell.

Click to watch video

pet jargon

ah ha! now that i'm a pet owner i can totally act like a pro (a psycho pro at that) when i take Leo to the vet's office for a FUO hopefully not caused by SBI because he just ADR!

we won't mention to them that i just TFO (totally freaked out), DSW (downed some wine) and HIC (hopped in car) to WED (wrecklessly and erratically drive) to the VET (vet).

Pet Peeves Abbreviations

ahhh, owen.

there's something about owen wilson's amazingly & impossibly crooked nose that makes him unbelievably sexy.
or maybe he's not sexy at all, but just has "an incredible sense of humor."
either way, he's adorable and proves it in an interview about "the wedding crashers" - which i get a chance to sneak peak on thursday thanks to UsWeekly!

from Hollywood Hitlist:
Wilson certainly isn't complaining about shooting "Crashers," though. One scene, at the end of the film's surprisingly energetic wedding montage, stood out in particular. It involved shot after shot of bare-chested women falling onto different beds. And Wilson was committed to making sure it was perfect.

"A lot of people like to say I'm not the hardest worker, but that was a day that I showed up early and stayed late," Owen says. "A lot of these poor girls would say, 'We've done 37 takes. Is that enough?' 'No, it isn't. Get ready for number 38.' We had to get it right."

is it odd to wish i were one of these girls? my husband is shaking his head "yes". that's up for debate.

speaking of Doodie!

From Chuck Shepard's News of the Weird:
Willie Windsor, 54, of Phoenix has for several years lived as a full-time baby, wearing frilly dresses, diapers and bonnets, sucking on a pacifier, eating Gerber cuisine, and habitually clutching a rag doll, in a home filled with oversized baby furniture.

According to a long Phoenix New Times profile in June, the diaper is not just a prop. Windsor said he worked hard to become incontinent, even chaining the commode shut to avoid temptation, and the reporter admitted feeling "disconcert(ed)" that Windsor might be relieving himself at the very moment he was describing his un-toilet training.

Apparently, Windsor's brother, ex-wife, girlfriend and a neighbor tolerate
his lifestyle (though no girlfriend has yet been willing to change his diapers).
Windsor is a semi-retired singer-actor and said he's been celibate for nine years.[Phoenix New Times, 6-9-05]

i understand that people have fetishes and all. hey, i love to pretend that i'm a perfect, extremely wealthy housewife with nothing to do but shop and lunch with her friends, and adamantly refuses to go an evening without some cocktails or a bottle of wine. but that's NORMAL at least! (and the second part is totally true.)
this guy is a few french fries short of a Happy Meal.

The mind thinks better on vodka...

So here are some of the intelligent things that came out of a night on the town with my best friend, Megan, this weekend.

Intelligent Sayings
1) Liquor
This is our all-time favorite, and it never gets old.
"Hmmm, are you going to drink wine or liquor?"
"LICK 'ER? I don't even know her!"

2) Chowder - not just a soup.
"Do you like chowder?"
"Last time I was with her, I chow'd her."

3) Sushi Tempura
Okay I must give credit to my husband, as his sparkling wit delivered this.
"I'm always hungry after I eat sushi. It only fills you up "tempura"-arily."

Intelligent Doings
1) Post-dinner, but pre-concert, my contacts are drying out and popping out of my eyes. Head to Walgreens only to find that the well-paid employee standing at the door smoking a cigarette had the authority to not let us in because "i can no let you in. es closed."
Next, onto the corner store where the selection of eye drops suck and Mr. Lebanon working the counter decides to be a stand up comedian and "refuse" to sell me anything until I almost walk out the door. I leave with a humongo bottle of saline that will stay in my bag all night. It almost became a weapon on several occasions.

2) Post-concert Megan and I decide to let our husbands go home and we head out for a fantastic night of partying! Which basically turned into one club, being entertained by a client of Megan's, and an unsuccessful attempt at a Jaegar Bomb.
Kind of glad about that last bit...

3) Disappearing toe nails
Somehow Megan and I both managed to damage toe nails while getting out of the cab. Luckily I just hurt the little one... Meg is missing half her big toe nail today. So much for that pedi...

4) Pyscho-therapy taxi drivers rule!
Our cabbie was a psychotherapist for 20 some-odd years. Didn't ask him why he is now driving a cab, but allowed him to give us marriage counselling while letting the meter run. In the 3 minutes it should have taken to get from my house to Meg's, he managed to rack up an additional $20 while he prescribed marital miracles to her.
What's scarier is that she bought it all - she cancelled her therapist appointment this week!

better pic of Leo the frenchman

oh, oui oui monsuier! je suis le chiot le plus mignon!

TRANSLATION: "oh, yes, yes, Mister! I am the cutest pup!"

a few reasons why i hate my job

1) i'm bored.
i've been in the same position for a year and nine months, and my VP holds the key to everyone's destiny and is a controlling freak. i've jumped through hoops, i'm on all the initiatives and do all this extra work just so they can say "thanks..." and then give me more "opportunities" to "develop myself". which essentially means just giving me more work and taking advantage of me. i continue to bend over and take it up the ass though.

2) my VP - AKA Crazy McNutso.
Thanks to TinaPoPo for that fabulous nickname - it couldn't be more appropriate!

3) nobody is held accountable for their work.
the most used phrase around here is: "It is what it is."

4) estrogen overload.
now, i'm a woman - or a girl, whatever. if you're 26 are you a woman? i still think i'm in college...
anyway, this company is overloaded with women and entirely too many hormonoes flying around. there are men who work here, but they are all gay and so that just adds to the estrogen levels... talk about caddiness!

5) there's no room in the community fridge.
the production people take up all the room in the fridge by 8:00am monday mornings because they bring in their lunches for the entire week. i mean, really. is that necessary? all i need is room for my diet coke - of which i bring in one everyday, not a 6-pack for the week!

6) redundancy
not in the way that there are too many people doing the same job. in the way that i've just attended my 3rd Back to School kick-off meeting, but i've been through 3 back to schools. why must i sit there again for another painful 3 hours of learning the same stuff i learned the first time around 2 1/2 years ago???
the reason why is so i can go sit in there, say a comment that is completely unnecessary and obvious to most and i have accomplished the highly sought after trait of "providing color" around things.
yes, this is true. does anyone else have a retarded work environment like this???

my new pup

introducing Leo.
he kind of looks like a mongrel here, but maybe because he just threw up from allergies.
or maybe it's all the margaritas he just knocked back. hey, it's thursday for crying out loud.

A Worthy Cause

This is a very worthy cause. If you feel inclined, your support is appreciated.

An old friend of my aunt's has decided to participate in the Ride for the Roses in Austin, TX this fall in honor of her. She doesn't know about it yet - he wanted to raise at least $500 before telling her, and he blew past that mark once members of my family found out. Now he wants to get to $1000, which is rapidly approaching.
I can only imagine the joy and humility she will feel when discovering so many people are supporting her through him.
She's been battling cancer for over 2 years, and truly "lives strong" everyday. She sends out the most articulate, positive, and inspiring emails to "update" everyone on her Cancer moments. The woman needs a blog of her own!

The Tribute to My Aunt
His Peloten ID if you want to donate in her honor is 83353076.

Vaginal contraption... are we in the 21st century?

ouch!
maybe this is how i'll handle nipping in the bud those late night surprises where i am woken up by a grinding husband... haha

Sonette Ehlers of Kleinmond, South Africa, recently invented a tampon-like sheath that she says will reduce the disturbing number of rapes that plague that country, but local anti-violence leaders are skeptical, as well as alarmed.
The device folds around the penis with microscopic hooks and, once engaged, requires medical intervention to remove. (It may also incidentally inhibit the transmission of HIV.) Critics call it impractical (since one must be worn constantly) and barbaric, and a distraction from other solutions to the rape crisis.
The devices are expected to be available in pharmacies starting in July, for 1 rand each (about 15 cents). [The Times (London), 6-8-05]

Gynecological Fun

I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.

As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in "that area" to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.

I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away. I was a little surprised when the doctor said, "My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?" I didn't respond.

After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal: some shopping, cleaning, cooking, etc. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, "Mommy, where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another one from the cupboard.

She replied "No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it."

And a drunken joke for the other gender...

the lesser gender... ;)

Two buddies, Tony and Steve, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Steve throws up all over himself. "Oh, no. Now Jane will kill me!"

Tony says, "Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell Jane that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill."

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker. Eventually Steve rolls into his house, and his wife Jane starts to give him a bad time. "You reek of alcohol and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!"

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Steve says, "Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everything! Itsh not what you think. I only had a couple drinks. But this other guy got sick on me... he'd had one too many and he just couldn't hold his liquor. He said he was very sorry an' gave me twenty bucks for the cleaning bill!"

Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, "But this is forty bucks."

"Oh, yeah... I almos' forgot, he shit in my pants, too."

Why females should avoid a girls night after they are married

This freaking thing always makes me laugh. Maybe because it's too close to reality...

The other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls." I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possibleconflict with him.

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in and I told him midnight. He didn't seem pissed off at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

Then he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh, shit!", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."